Woman with dark hair holding an ice cream cone in one hand

It’s time to be honest about my binge eating

woman with dark hair covering her face with both hands
Photo by Eternal Happiness from Pexels

This week I published a story in the Messy Mind publication from a talented writer named Damian. His story is so completely different from mine, but there were so many similarities in the way we process our mental health issues. As I was reading through his story with my editor’s lens, I kept running up against a phrase that shouted out at me, pulsating like a big, red neon sign.

Be honest with yourself.

Even writing it now, I have to take a deep breath. 

Because I’m guilty. I’m guilty of not being honest with myself at all. The truth is, I’ve been struggling for months to keep my eating disorder under control. 

Wait, no. 

The truth truth is that, for months, I’ve known my eating disorder has been under my roof and I haven’t wanted to kick it out.

It’s because of this, it’s because of that. Pregnancy, newbornhood, home renovations, I’ve got tons of excuses. 

But the truth is that I’m lying to myself. Binge eating fills a void for me. It’s what I do when I don’t know what else to do. When I don’t have any time to myself, I fantasize about downing some ice cream or cookies or candy in the next free minute that comes my way. 

And I only have a minute, so it goes down fast. It’s something I don’t have to do, but some part of me wants to do it. And that’s the battle I fight every waking minute. I know what’s good for me, and I know this isn’t it.

I’m saying this, and that means something. I’m working on gathering up the strength to make more good decisions than bad ones. Every day is a new day.

Here’s to breaking the cycle.

-NK